Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I had to cum in my sink.
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