I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
