Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
