my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you traded sex for a burrito?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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