That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
