My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
