if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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