this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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