Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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