So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize