She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Two words: nipple clamps
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