I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
false alarm. still invincible.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
