If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
