i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
