i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
