I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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