We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
