I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
