That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
