Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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