I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
