Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
