Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
