HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
