I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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