I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
