So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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