I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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