I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
