your parents love me but you hate me
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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