Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
