phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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