He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
