one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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