I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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