my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
