ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
