Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
