Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
farters have to be the big spoon...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
