He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
