I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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