did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
