I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
