Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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