well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
