I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
