Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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