More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
