Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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