dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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