so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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