Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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