textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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