Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
