it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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