he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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