HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
