i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
