He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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