I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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