good thing vaginas are great cup holders
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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