dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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